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A reporter ask me recently about what couples can do before bed to promote intimacy.

The first thing that came to mind was a quote: “What happens in the bedroom is what happens in every other room in the house.”

For anyone in a long term relationship, this will immediately ring true. Too often we sex educators make the mistake of looking at the bedroom as this little bubble where all these great, ecstatic experiences can happen.

But if there isn’t intimacy outside the bedroom, chances are there aren’t a lot of fireworks going off in there, either.

So, when you pass your partner in the kitchen, brush him or her lightly and lovingly on the shoulder with your hand. Not as an invitation to get naked and try the reverse cowgirl or strap-on, but just as a way to stay connected.

Then, when it comes time to go to bed, try this:

The person who plays the more “masculine” role in the relationship should cuddle the woman/man (either with the partner’s head on his/her chest, or in the spoon position) and then match the partner’s breathing.

By this I mean when the partner breathes in, the more masculine partner breaths in. When the partner breaths out, he/she breaths out. The more masculine partner should do this until the couple falls asleep, or until one of the partners wants to “un-cuddle” and go to sleep (as some people can’t fall asleep while cuddling).
If couples do this every night, over time their nervous systems become more integrated and they achieve a deeper level of intimacy. (It’s like “walking in your partner’s shoes” each night.)

Another way to think of it is that it increases the resonance between two people (much like when you put two tuning forks together and they end up resonating at the same frequency).

If you’re sleeping with someone on a regular basis, try this out and watch your relationship get easier and deeper.


Dr. Leonard